I open my eyes with a sense of urgency.

The taste of cordite still in the back of my throat. I can’t hear anything. I’m deaf.

Slowly I can hear purring coming from the bottom of my bed getting louder. Marbles!  My beautiful Marbles.

My “anchors” as I call them.  Things that remind me that I am not “back there” and I have moved on. Something to pull me back to the now and not drift in the “never world”.

But the way my mind works on moments like this it seems it’s only my body has moved on along with time and everyone else.

I’m still “there”.

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It’s funny but they don’t show you this on the glossy video of service life when they are doing their best to get you to take the “Queen's shilling”.  I was never that naive to believe the adverts of plenty of time off and everyone is ski-ing and great pay.

I just wanted “out” of the County. Not another dead end job and a small town attitude that would serve me for the rest of my life.

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It’s always the same type of dreams that come back to taunt me. The ones where I had no control of a situation. Completely out of my hands. Where people get dead.

The morning sun is lighting up my room and I can see the sea through my open curtains.  I try and prop myself up on my pillows but I am weak. I’ve had a good 8 hours sleep but I am feeling like I’ve not slept for a week. Here’s hoping I get through the day.

I’m in the middle of my bed so this time I have no-one to apologise to for being covered in sweat. No-one to say sorry to for my past.  This time.

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Eyes focusing now I pull myself to the side of my bed, feet on the floor. Scrunching my toes in the carpet, grounding myself. Marbles is rubbing around my legs, wanting her breakfast.

Scratching her behind her ears I say “What the fuck was that about” but knowing the answer.

I find no comfort in knowing that this is a lifelong affliction. I’ve just got to deal with it. Millions before me have and probably thousands now are waking up exactly the same as me. I aint special. Get a grip. Move on!  Move, move, move!!!

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Some people would reach over and grab their fags and light up to ease the headspace that woke them. I reach over for my Mp3 player and pop in a earphone and hit play. I’ve loaded up some classic Faith No More.  

A deep sigh and I’m up on my feet. Pushing Marbles away with my legs as she’s doing her best by constant meowing to get me to hurry up and feed her.

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Onto the landing and at the top of the stairs I take the first 2 steps and let her run ahead of me as she will try and run under my feet otherwise and the chance of us both taking a tumble down the stairs is great.

In the kitchen happily munching away at her bowl of fresh food I hock a throat full of phlegm into the kitchen sink and turn the tap on full to wash it down the plughole.

The taste of cordite is still with me. I cannot shift it. I know it is not real this time but my mind is telling me otherwise. I’m almost gagging on it.

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Parts of my nightmare are coming back. The screams and shouts.

I put the 2nd earphone in now and turn my music up. All that I am doing is physical. Pretty pointless really. It’s still there.

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Heading back upstairs and into the bathroom I put the shower on. I’m meeting a lady later today for a coffee!  Don’t want the smell of the past on me.

Earphones out and Mp3 connected to a waterproof speaker I keep in the bathroom I step under the shower. Hands wet first testing the heat and then head and body.

And with the instant of the first drops of water hitting my head. The music gets louder. The screams and shouting in my head have stopped.

As quick as that. Like someone clicking their fingers and “Stop”.

The taste of cordite that almost made me gag. Gone!

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Just another day.

 Many have passed since I rotated back to the world, there will be thousands more ahead of me before I die and hopefully get some answers.

Just another day where the people around me will never be aware of as I am practised in hiding this.